That happens to be the choice I made tonight. I'm writing a blog post. Which quite honestly, I'm not sure is the best use of my time. My husband is submerged in youtube land, no doubt watching mind-numbing videos and giving his brain a much needed break. But I miss him, and after tiring days, we often don't have a lot left for each other. I feel guilty that I'm sitting over here, worlds away from him editing photos. I'm not finding as much joy here as I once did. I want more time to just 'be' and enjoy my children and take adventures without feeling like I need to write about it. I want my time to be freed to read, to snuggle, to connect with my people. My heart isn't here right now. I've started to feel obligated to post, and so I think it's time to take a sabbatical. A break if you will. It's not the writing, because Lord knows I need that, and I've been writing somewhere else. Somewhere more private and sacred that's just for me (for now).
At first I felt sad about this decision, because I know I have family members who love reading my posts. And my gosh what will Ellie do when she's older and finds out her mom didn't continue writing monthly updates for her online? <----sarcasm. I've toyed with different drafts lately, but nothing really lit a fire under my skin the way it has in the past. I've poured my heart out here on this space over and over again. I became vulnerable in a really growth-promoting way and reconnected with myself and hopefully inspired so many of you on your own journeys. I've met so many women who were there with me on that cold operating table, feeling my feelings as our babies were taken out of our bodies. Women who struggled with loneliness, breastfeeding, motherhood. This blog has given me the ability to reach out beyond the confines of my home and touch people.
I've also been thinking a lot about whether or not this is something I'll be happy I did 10, 20, 30 years from now. Will my kids be happy I shared so much of them so publicly? Do I have that right? Maybe some of these memories should be just for us. I've loved looking back over the years here, reliving and tasting life twice. Chronicling our biggest adventures and smallest moments, remembering the little details about my journey to becoming a mother, processing and living my birth experiences. I've thrived here and made new and wonderful friends. It's a chapter in my life and storytelling I will never regret.
It's always made me smile to picture my dad turning on his computer in the morning with a cup of coffee, waiting for his dinosaur speed internet connection to turn that screen into a picture of his only daughter's life, where he could see photos of his grandchildren and cry tears for my stories. It's been a place where my mom could get to know me more intimately, and maybe our relationship grew and changed for the better because of it. It's made me giggle when my grandpa has called to thank me for 'putting the pictures in the computer' for them to see and read about. Some of you have made me sit on the floor and weap tears of sorrow and joy for you when I've gotten personal emails and comments where you said, "Andrea, thank you. I can relate to this. You've helped me. You get it." I can't think of a better reason for sharing my life so publicly than to know that it has challenged someone on their own odyssey or given strength to another mom in need.
I appreciate that you readers have been part of my life for a couple of years, and it wouldn't be okay for me to just stop writing here without saying something. My husband always pushes me to think about all this social media business in real, physical terms. As in, can I really picture 1,000 actual people reading my words? Real people with hurts, histories, pasts, hopes, and dreams sitting in front of their computer screens, taking time out of their precious lives to take part in mine. That's important to me. Because surely I've posted about things like hiking, lactation cookies, and christmas banners. But you all don't keep coming back for that. You keep coming back because you feel like you know me. You've connected with me because I've exposed my greatest weaknesses and heart's desires to you here. You cared about my birth journey and waited in anticipation for the arrival of my daughter. In 'real life', if we met on the street and you walked up to me and said, "Andrea, you have the cutest kids and are a wonderful mom," I sincerely hope I wouldn't ignore you and keep on walking. That to me is the equivalent of not responding to a comment on my blog or on instagram. It's timely, but I try really darn hard to communicate with anyone who talks to me. Because this is real life, and I want you to know that I appreciate the relationships, friendships, and connections that have been made here. It's been life changing for this stay at home mom.
A sabbatical means to take a break, and that seems more appropriate than goodbye forever. I will most certainly keep the most popular posts on this blog live, but have reverted many posts to draft. Of course you can find me on instagram! I will continue to chronicle our little moments that make up this one extraordinary life on those little 2x2 squares, and I hope you can join me there. I'm known for a wordy caption or two, an abundance of cute kid photos, and snippets of beauty and joy that I see in the world.
Adieu for now,